Coming clean.....

[Lynsey]

Alright STACer's I know that once I post that my post is up for the entire world to see (meaning its not limited to the STAC club) . I've been married for 22 years and have been unhappy for awhile. After taking a good friends advice, hubby and I talked tonight. We are in agreement that if we can rent the house we both love for enough to pay the 2 mortgages we are going to seperate. Since we homeschool our 3 youngest kids, we are looking at renting houses in a planned community and having bedrooms set up for the kids at each house. We intend to do exactly what we are doing now, except we may have to drive the kids a few blocks each day. We figure year long rentals on the house we own, and those we wish to rent will give us time to figure out what we want to do. Please send your thoughts and best wishes our way.

[hrgillespie]

Re: Coming clean.....

Lynsey I don't know what to say except only you know your situation and whats best for you and your children. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you journey through this difficult time in your life.

[Lynsey]

Re: Coming clean.....

Lynsey I don't know what to say except only you know your situation and whats best for you and your children. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you journey through this difficult time in your life.

Being that I'm coming clean......I'm not Lynsey, its just a user name. Lynsey is my sweet and only dd pictured in my avatar and the reason that I try to improve my lifestyle. I used her name as a user name originally when she was 2 years old to remind me why I need to do this everyday. She's 5 now. I'm Barbara and thanks for your thoughts Heidi.

I'm editing this to add, that my true name has never really been a secret incase I seem deceptive, if you read the old threads I outed myself long ago.

[Sweet Strudel]

Re: Coming clean.....

Hi Barbara

Its never easy coming to these kinds of decisions, but it sounds as though you and your husband have given this some thought and at least are both making an effort to make the next year as "normal" as possible for your children. I commend you for that.

Life is short so I feel its important to be happy. This doesn't at all mean you have failed or that your husband has failed it just means that you both have grown and changed. It happens. What I'm happy to read is that you are both making responsible rational decisions and that the ibest nterest of the children are truly at heart.

So many seperations are made in anger with one of the parties being very resentful and sometimes seeking revenge.

Like I said, its never easy but sounds to me like you two are being very "adult" about it and staying in communication and co-operating with each other is the key.

My best........and now I will get off my soap box!

[Outback Jess]

Re: Coming clean.....

Hey Barb, thanks for coming clean. Obviously we have an atmosphere around here that you felt you could share that....I am sure you have many hurdles ahead of you. Keep your spirits up, and keep a forgiving spirit about you....that way you stay free. My Mom, married 5 times and she never talked badly about my father. My aunt, his sister filled me in on the bad things He did....She never "used" him to make herself look better or as an out for her many consequences....She wasn't a super positive person, but she never allowed me to get a negative on my own father.
Good luck friend!

[Sheepie]

Re: Coming clean.....

(((Barbara))) I know this has to be one of the hardest decisions you've ever made, but you sound so level-headed about it. You're not rushing and you've thought it through. You and your dh seem to be on the same page and keeping your children's needs first. I have to commend you for that. Keeping acting out of love and not fear and I think it will go as smoothly as possible.

About usernames, my real name isn't Sheepie either! I chose it for our Old English Sheepdog, who btw died recently. I never assume that someone's user name is their real name irl, but it does becomes real to me here.

[SandyL2002]

Re: Coming clean.....

Hi Barbara.. Well my screen name is my name...lol But I just wanted to tell you I understand what you are going through right now.. I am going through the same thing. I too Homeschool. My husband and I are separated right now..but I am staying in the home and we put our youngest in Public School this year and I was going to get a part time job.. (He will continue to pay the bills) We are waiting cause she is having a really hard time and might be coming home again. Fortunately after his anger he has decided to do what is best for our kids. Our oldest is still homeschooled but he is a Senior and works a lot.

[SandyL2002]

Re: Coming clean.....

I forgot to say...that right now I am working on taking care of me... Its really hard but I must..

[mitzimarie]

Re: Coming clean.....

Barbara and Sandy

Thanks for trusting us enough to open up... it does help to have a support system when you are going through something difficult, and we are all here for you.

I really do love each of the replies you have gotten so far... very well said everyone, and I agree whole-heartedly.

Best wishes to you both.

[Evermind]

Re: Coming clean.....

Barbara -

(My real name isn't Evermind, either...........!)

When my "ex" and I got divorced, we sent a letter to all of our friends saying "There's only one side to take. It's the kids' side, and we're both on it." We then made a commitment to each other that we would continue to be good parenting partners and friends. We explained to the kids that while marriages can end, family does not - the configuration may change, but it's all still family.

We've stuck with that for 9 years. I remarried, and dh is a big part of our family. We all do holidays and many vacations together. We stay at his house when we visit up there, and he stays with us when he comes down here. We wanted to live in the same city and do what you guys plan to do, but it didn't work out, unfortunately.

What you guys are trying to do sounds like a healthy and mature decision based on everyone's best interests. Remembering that the married couple are the adults and that it's the kids who need to be protected is the most important thing.

You know we've got your back, Barbara. Whenever you need us, whatever you need, you just post or pm. You are not alone. If you ever feel alone, Barbara, close your eyes, and imagine yourself turning around. You'll see the STAC team standing not 5 feet away.

[Discolemonade]

Re: Coming clean.....

I can only imagine the emotions you've witnessed over the past years. I am glad you two have made a decision that you both agree with and there's not someone left holding their heart. You two will have a bumpy road but you've gotten a great start by talking. Keep friends with each other and hold your head high because you are destined for great things. Believe that and believe in yourself. Best to you and yours.

[guekjian]

Re: Coming clean.....

Hey Barbara, sending you good wishes. I went through that 4 years ago. I kept the house because it is the kids' home base, and my ex got an appartment a few blocks away. It was hard at first, but through communication, the kids were able to suffer as little as possible. I never badmouthed him in front of them (but a lot to my best friend.LOL.). Keeping good communication is the BEST thing you can do for your kids.

You have gotten a lot of good advice already...let me just remind you that you need to take care of yourself, physically and mentally, more than ever now. My thoughts are with you. You can PM me anytime if you wanna talk...

[AlaskaGirl]

Re: Coming clean.....

Good Luck Barbara,

I will be thinking about you.

Julie

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Coming clean.....

my divorce was a disaster. i was treated with the most disrespect, deceit and disregard for anything important to me. as a result, neither of my kids has a relationship with their dad. he bailed on them. now he is reaping what he has done. you approach to this is reasonable. i hope that it all works out in the end.

for what it's worth, as horrible as my divorce was, i knew for ages before that i was not happy and it DID open the door for me to BE happy. my kids are well adjusted and wonderful people DESPITE what happened to them. it took a ton of work on MY part, being the only remaining parent....it will all be ok

i guess what i am trying to say is that despite your best efforts, if things do not go smoothly, with lots of hard work, your kids will be ok. i hope i don't get blasted for saying this. in my case, the worst of the worst, we are really ALL doing well.

[Mandilyn]

Re: Coming clean.....

Hi Barbara,

My husband and I have been together 14 years. The past 3 have been the worst of my life. We have planned on seperating and divorcing. We live in Michigan, but he just relocated to Ohio for a job. The seperation has been wonderful. We have actually taken the time to reclaim our own identities. We began respecting each other again, and have been very supportive of each other. Now, I think we may end up working it out. I think we got lost with each other, and needed the time for ourselves. I don't know for sure if we will or not, maybe its just a really strong freindship that we have. Anyway, to my point. My opinion is that the house renting is a good Idea, cause you never know what a year will bring. It could renew your love, or end the marrage. Either way you can count on each other apart or together. This whole mess I've been in the last three years has really made me hold myself accountable for what I have, and who I want to be. I wrapped to much of "ME" around everyone else, and somehow forgot how to live. Now, I'm taking my life back. It's amazing how much respect I've gained from my husband and my son. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you get what you need to make you happy, then all the rest will fall into place.