The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey Guekjian - yeah ... I know. That's a biggie huh? Thank you for sharing that with us. My only suggestion on that one is to make sure your partner knows you need to be reassured on the matter. A bit of honesty. You might be surprised and find that your curves are a real turn on! Big hug to you.
Hopejoy - I think that words can sometimes be deadly weapons. You can't see the damage on the surface, but they can kill people's joy and really cause them to shrivel inside. That's why I'm so into "overwriting" the negative messages and not accepting it when people say hurtful stuff. Even those "silly" little messages can be harmful ... like: "Oh ... you are SO clumsy". I've kinda got into the habit now of actively rebuffing it, and saying: "Noooo ... I'm not clumsy, I just accidentally knocked into the coffee table". I think I've developed the strategy of pushing the comments away BEFORE they take root in my soul. It turns into a habit eventually. For me it's a better habit than what I used to do. I used to just DIE inside, go home and cry ... and let it all soak into my psyche. Not any more ... been there ... done that: and I deserve better. And so do all of you! Lotsa luv to all of you. Celebrate you today.

[*Emma*]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey Gaynor,

Thanks so much for starting this thread and sharing your story...

Most of the "oldies" know my story - i publicised it here a few years ago... though i will share it again, as, well, i do believe it helps others to know they are not alone.

no i wont... not right now, cos just trying brought back too many painful thoughts, though i will be back tomorrow to do this.

Again though, thanks for sharing your story and showing your strength, you are a hero to many!

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hi there Emma. BIG hug to you. You take your time hon. We are here when you are ready to talk about it. It's not easy is it. Before I wrote this thread - only my therapist, my partner and a couple of really close friends knew about it. But I agree with you - it helps people to know that other people have been through it. And that, although it can really mess us up, we also go on and grow stronger. The fact that we were abused is NOT a reflection on US ... it is a reflection on those people who think they have the right to do that. Bless you. I look forward to hearing from you again. Lots of love to you.

[*Emma*]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

ya know, i thought i'd lost all these thoughts til i read this post, then i did a search on my post a few years ago and every inch of pain i felt then, i just relived. i seriously thought i'd got past it, maybe i have, who knows....

last time round on atkins, i was around, 5 lbs less than i am now and i completely lost my mind, i could not walk out on my own, i became very withdrawn from life, i left my job and pretty much drove my guy away, see i got raped when i was 13, i fell pregnant from the attack, at around 3 months pregnant i met a guy, who taught me to love me, and - how he did it i'll never know but he also taught me to love the baby that was growing inside me... I lost most of my family through the attack, disowned, left to deal, they saw it as a "OMG SHES 13 AND PREGNANT" they never saw, the truth, they kinda bypassed it, it hurt, but i guess i found through all that, that some people just arent worth it, even if they are blood related.

I lost the baby that i'd learnt to love, stillborn, another attack on my life, but anyway, what affected me the most was losing the weight and getting attention from men again, my own frickin shadow scared me, male friends who wouldnt hurt me! scared me, anything male scared me, they still do kinda...

So i gave up at... 231lbs i think i was, 2 and a half years ago, cos i couldnt cope...

ya know, i dont even know where i'm going with this story, i'm just thinking different amounts of crap in my mind, which aint good.

so yeah you get the basics, and i cant be a positive like you Gaynor, because i'm nowhere near over it, i just bury it at the back of my mind.

i hope i can follow thru on my quest this time, i dont need my fat jacket anymore i dont think, i think i can cope without it, i believe i am a stronger person today...

Heck... if i can face my rapist 13 years after the attack, i think i can face anything.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey there honey. I am sitting here with my heart breaking for you. You were so abandoned when you needed support the most in your life. I feel ANGRY on your behalf. And there are so many issues here underlying everything. The kinds of turmoil that must have gone on in your heart and mind must have been unbelievable. And it sounds like when you scratch the surface, it's still lingering there. And you know, age 13 is such a vulnerable age anyway. It's that pivotal stage when we are building our adult body image, sexuality ... all that stuff. The reason I am feeling angry on your behalf is that you were robbed. You were robbed of your childhood my love. And it wasn't your fault. And you should have had all the support in the world to rebuild your life and self-confidence. You should have been believed and protected.

You know ... there is no easy answer to all this. This stuff takes years to build up. There isn't a magic formula for sorting it out. For me it was a long time of weekly therapy. The time was right for me to do that. I'm wondering if there is any sort of support group or rape crisis centre near where you live. Because no matter how long ago these things happen, when you relive them it's like it's happening now, and it's best to be properly supported to work through it all. I would so love for you to have a place to uncover the layers in a protected environment. Where you can be allowed to express your anger, fear, rage, agony, mourning, abandonment in a safe and secure place, with people who can help you pick up all the pieces and put the jigsaw pieces in place.

Sending you all the love in my heart right now. And a thought that when something is whole to start with, it is kinda static. But when something gets broken, we can rebuild it into the form that we want it to take. That is what I would wish for you. The chance to rebuild you into who you want and need to be.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Just another thought Emma ... before I went into therapy, I worked with a rape counsellor for a while. One of the exercises she gave me was to recognise that there was a wounded child inside me. Even though that child had not been protected by the people who SHOULD have protected her, she made me realise that I could now offer that protection. It was a case of Gaynor the adult recognising and nurturing Gaynor the wounded 9 year old inside me. Asking her what she most needed. Allowing her to play. Allowing her to laugh again. Allowing her to feel safe and feel listened to. Allowing her to cry when she needed to cry. Allowing her to be angry - and knowing that she had EVERY right to be angry. But above all recognising that she was there and that she would always be there - but by allowing her to integrate back into my adult world, she didn't have to scream and holler to get my attention when I felt threatened. I could just allow all of me to respond to a situation, with my adult self balancing out the needs of that wounded child. And slowly the pain of the wounded child balances out with the power that adults have, and because she was protected and loved and CHERISHED, she felt more able to be in situations that would have terrified her before. Lots of love to you from my 9 year old self to your 13 year old self, and my adult self to your adult self. You have the power to overcome this love. Really you do. And I know it hurts so badly.

[*Emma*]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Certainly something to think about Gaynor thanks.

Dont know what made me wibble yesterday, must of just been a bad day! Its not something i allow to wreck my life anymore, or maybe it is from that post? ugh i dunno.

I think i had closure the day i met the guy after he was released from prison and i dont think its something ive thought about in that last 6 months, a year maybe.

Hugs back at you

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

I'm so pleased for you Emma. Can I just say I think you are incredibly brave to have faced your abuser. Amazing. Such a huge thing. I think all of us who have been there know that it's kinda always there. It will creep on us occasionally. You are doing just great. Love to you.

[Tack Candy]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hello,

Tho I have not had a personal experience with sexual abuse I feel it is necessary to share something about an old friend of mine. I didn't find out this information about my friend's abuse until he passed away last year. My friend, I'll call him Mike, was morbidly obese for as long as I knew him. Apparently, he was abused by a religious leader as a child and coped with his emotional issues by eating. Sadly, he died young due to complications from obesity. Please, if anyone out there is dealing with abuse get help before it is too late.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hi there Tack Candy. How incredibly sad. Thank you for sharing this with us. A really good reminder of how abuse can mess up people's lives. And a good reminder that this can happen to men as well as women. Lots of love to you.

[Tired of Chub]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Gaynor, I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Ive been needing this a great deal. (I started my own thread int he emotional eating forum, I couldnt do it here. but thank you).

[obkbbby]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Wow, GaynorA. Like so many others, I am also glad you started this thread. I was also mentally and sexually abused as a child. I have been overweight most of my life and it wasn't until my mother told me why she had gained so much weight that I realized why I had gained so much weight. My mother was abused by her father's friends off and on for years. Through years of therapy, my mom finally realized that she had gained weight to protect herself. (She was a very beautiful woman.) Now that she has gotten past all that, she has had gastric bypass surgery and is losing the weight without guilt. While I haven't been to therapy, it is obvious to me that I started using food as a crutch very early in life - like you, GaynorA, and many others. I never told anyone until I was in college about my homelife. No one had a clue. To my friends, I was a happy, go-lucky person. I finally told my mother what happened (it was my stepfather who did it - from age 3 to about 15, when I could fend him off better) when my son was born. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to bring him to their house. When I did tell her, she packed her stuff and left. I probably should have gone to the police, but I could never bring myself to do it. I have gotten on with my life and I do not want to face him or any of that again. I have thought about going through therapy because I still tend to use food as a crutch. Maybe someday...

Anyway, thanks for opening the door for this open and frank discussion. I think this kind of thing happens for too often - and a lot more often than we know.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hi Tired of Chub. I need to go and take a look at the emotional eating thread. I haven't got there yet. So much to see ... so little time (know what I mean? grinning). I'm really pleased that this thread means something to you. That's what I wanted really. I wanted people all over the world to know that this happens to so many more people that we often realise. And that there is light and hope ... even though it might take a bit of work to reach out to it. Love to you.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hi Obkbby - oh hon, you found yourself in a horrid situation. When it's "in the family" it's SO incredibly hard to disclose. I think you are amazing to have told your mom about it. That is NOT an easy thing. And I can really relate to the need to just let it go, as well. I think for some people it's really important that their persecutors face justice via the law - but for other people it's more important to them to just move on and not expend any more energy on those who have hurt them. And it's a really personal choice. Neither is right or wrong - it's important to do what is right for you. You took a stand to protect your son ... and you are amazing for doing that. That's often the trigger for people I think. It's one thing when we are only protecting ourselves - but when it comes to our kids, most of us would rather die than let anyone or anything hurt them. I'm not a mom. The closest I can come to understanding that is my nephews (who are now hulking great brutes aged 19 and 15). But even now ... just let someone try to hurt them and I know the wrath of Gaynor would descend on their heads in no uncertain terms.
Wow .. so your mom went through abuse too. I'm not sure how old your mom is ... but before my generation (I'm 44 now) I think it was so much harder to disclose sexual abuse. It happened all over - but no-one ever spoke about it. It was almost like the shame was on the victim's head for "allowing" it to happen. Which is a bit sick really. I'm so pleased your mom felt able to share that experience with you. And so thrilled that she is now in a place where she feels in control of her destiny.
Therapy was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's important to find the right person though. I tried 2 different counsellors before I finally found that person that I could really open up to. I opted for therapy rather than counselling because I wanted the space and time to really peel back the layers and put the pieces back together. The first few sessions were quite hard (okay ... very hard). But after that it was like the lights came on in my head about so much in my life. I would encourage you though to keep the choice open in your head. If you feel it's not working for you ... find a different therapist, until you find that place where you feel safe and supported. Lots of love to you and to all of you who are reading this thread.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hello - just popping in to make sure everyone is okay. Sometimes when you disclose something traumatic, it can make you feel a bit shaky. Hope you are all doing okay. Lotsa luv to you.