The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

[GaynorA]

Hi everyone. A little while ago someone spoke about fear of being thin because of a relationship blowout that had happened when she was thin. I responded and shared that I had experienced something similar due to childhood sexual abuse. Following that disclosure, someone emailed me privately and explained that she too had been sexually abused and as a result had been afraid of being thin. We spoke about this a bit and figured that there are probably lots of people out there (men and women) who might face the same thing and that it was an important issue to raise. So .. this is a thread for people who have experienced some form of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional - they are all damaging) and know that their weightloss is impacted by it. I'll come back in a little bit and share my story and tell you how I overcame it. If there are any of you out there who start getting scared when you get thinner, and you find that when people ask you out or start giving you compliments, you start eating compulsively to put on your "armour" again .... you are not alone. If you want to talk about how your experience has held you back from being thinner, you are welcome. I give you my word that I will listen to you and most importantly BELIEVE you! No judgement here. Just a listening ear from someone who was sexually abused for a very long time as a child and had to work very hard to overcome the demons. And I'm sure there are lots of people out there who know how it feels and had to work hard to overcome it, and will listen, not judge and believe you too.

[SandyL2002]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

I agree with this... Growing up I dealt with Physical, Sexual and Mental abuse.. I think that your body is the one area that you can control that no one else can..and that is how we abuse our own bodies..

[Discolemonade]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

I often times have related my childhood abuse (physical mostly once sexually) to me trying to "protect myself" or maybe being larger and more intimidating is what made me feel secure. When I first lost 70 lbs I felt much more insecure. I felt small and vulnerable. But then I began carrying myself differently. Keeping my head up and making eye contact with people and it seems to have helped my fears but they never go away. Once intimidated I find myself thinking about my largesse and how no one EVER messed with me then. It's a messed up form of survival that is actually killing us slowly.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey there. thanks for responding. For me it started at age 9. I was molested by an old man who I saw as a grandfather figure. No physical evidence as it was penetration by fingers. Hence, no one believed me. Problem was, because no one believed me, the story got around the neighbourhood and some boys started seeing me as "rape'able". I was repeatedly sexually abused from age 9 - 17, and couldn't tell because no-one had believe me the first time. Also, I was disabled, so I couldn't just run away. I remember making a decision at age 9 that I would never be "small" again. I piled on the pounds becoming morbidly obese at a very young age. I'd go on diets - lose some pounds, compliments would come in, and something subconscious would kick in and I would eat and eat until I had exceeded my previous weight - because then I felt safe. I couldn't allow myself to feel attractive out of fear of what might happen. It was at age 42 that a doctor told me that they could improve my disability through surgery - but only if I lost a significant amount of weight. I felt trapped: stay large and safe - but be in agony for the rest of my life OR lose weight, feel vulnerable, but be in less pain. I decided to do Atkins and go into therapy. I worked with an eclectic therapist. We used art, music, talking - anything really - to help me re-evaluate myself as an adult. I had to allow my adult self to learn to keep the abused child inside me safe. I learned about my own sense of power and control, and that I didn't have to be controlled by the actions of those men years before. It's a couple of years down the line now. The hip surgery was done after I lost 91.5lbs. I am now in a serious relationship and getting married next year. It took a great deal to overcome the fear factor - but I'm so glad I did. Love to all of you.

[Pie4me]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Every time I get thin I think of the time I suffered from depression and just
did not want to eat. It was a horrible time in my life. My marrriage barely survived.

When I get thinner now I think subconsciously my depression will come
back and I will have marriage problems that aren't there now and I will be
miserable.

I just keep telling myself that is my negative thinking taking over and it
doesn't have to be that way. Prayer helps alot too.

Thanks for letting me share.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey there

"I just keep telling myself that is my negative thinking taking over and it
doesn't have to be that way. Prayer helps alot too."

Yes ... I think you've got it my luv. Isn't it weird how our bodies and minds associate being overweight with being protected. But the truth is that you have moved on since then. That's the beauty of life - it gives us the space to grow and develop, and to become stronger, and to gain a better understanding of ourselves and what has happened in our lives. "Life scripts" - those things that we say to ourselves in our minds - the messages we give ourselves, can be quite powerful. And sometimes we have to consciously change them. Sounds like you are doing that - because you are cancelling out the negative thoughts by reminding yourself that it doesn't have to be that way. I think a lot of us have to do that when we start Atkins WOE. We constantly remind ourselves that our yesterdays don't have to be our todays, and they have no power over us unless we hand that power over. And I agree ... prayer and faith helps a LOT. Lots of love to you.

[daniejim]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Well... First of all, I respect you all so much for sharing your stories. Thank you for doing it and for letting other people with the same struggles hear from those who did overcome their situation. God is a God that comforts, and we can go and seek for His protection and help, and even vent out for every single situation we face everyday. He is our Healer if we just let Him. God Bless you all.

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Thanks Daniejim. A lovely supportive message. Your thoughts are appreciated. Lotsa luv to ya.

[daniejim]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

And you know what? now that I remember... one day I was at home, alone and this guy (my neighbor), with whom I've had a quick conversation through the fence of my yard (I asked him if he didn't hear any noises, 'cause my husband's truck had been stolen the night before)... came into my patio and knocked the door. I was inside of this little furnace and tools room.. and he told me: Hey I liked you, do you wanna "be" with me??? I was horrified and I was holding in my hand an acid (the primer I use to do my own acrylic nails).. and after threatening him with a screwdriver and he pushing me (without touching me, just stepping inside and making me go back inside the little room) that if he didn't leave I would stab him!! he insisted and I threw the acid on his eyes and left moaning... creeP!!! I called my hubby, and he came and I never slept again in that house... I was horrified, and for 4 months I didn't wear any makeup, I wore baggy clothes and didn't blow dry or do nothing to my hair, just a braid.. I didn't want to look attractive at all!!!! And every man that was walking on the street seemed to have bad intentions towards me... I didn't suffer what you suffered guys, the actual abuse (so I can't say I
ve been in your shoes), but I had nightmares for months after that.. and my point is, I didn't want to look attractive .. So is totally understandable that phenomenon.. the thing is... after that I realized that it was not my fault, not all men were evil, and I wouldn't let that guy steal my joy for life..
just because of his sickness and twisted mind.

[Ammamady]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

I can't tell you how happy I am that you started this thread! I would venture to guess that this issue is the single most common issue that doesn't come up when people discuss struggles with weight.

Unless having gone through it, it is hard to understand the physical sensation of that fear; the trembling, wanting to wrap my arms around my body, wanting to shrink into the ground. DanieJim- I think the situation you just described relates exactly to everone else's. Sure, sexual abuse may be different than the threat of violence, but it is a very similar trauma response.

Gaynora, I think you are right, I have to just decide that he can no longer have any control over my life. I don't just mean in a general sense. I mean I think about him and his comments and his body all the time when I look in the mirror and see a fat person. That is the power that he doesn't deserve and should have never gained. He has NO place in my life or thoughts anymore, and I won't allow him in...

I won't!

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey Danie - what an awful experience to go through. I agree with Ammamady - any kind of abuse has an awful effect on people. The threat of physical attack like that can be as devastating and invoke as much fear as actual attack. I think you put it really well when you said about "stealing joy" - 'cos that is SO what happens. And it's up to us to take that right back again. And Ammamady .. well done you on taking a stand girlfriend! That's great. It takes a while for the positive messages to overwrite the ones that have been there for years. I'm aware that there may be people who are reading this who don't feel able to step forward, so I'd like to share something really positive that I did to break the cycle. I HAD A DATE WITH MYSELF. I know that sounds funny. But after years of being touched in hateful and hurtful ways, I felt that I needed to do something physical to overwrite that aspect. So I gave myself a few hours. Had a lovely long bath (bubbles, candles, music ... the works). I bathed myself lovingly in a deliberate way - rather than just the usual mechanical having a bath thing. Then I got some lovely massage oil and I massaged my own body - using the sort of touch I would have wanted all my life. I basically got to know my own body - what I like, what I don't like. I'm not talking masturbation here. It was seduction - pure and simple. And it really helped free me up from all the old fears etc. So just a thought for those of you who are afraid to be touched. Teach yourself how you want to be touched, in a loving way - so your body can learn the difference between sensual and sexual. Lotsa lov to you all.

[hopejoy]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Gaynor, wow you're are so brave to share so much of your soul here like this. This subject is sooo sensitive and affects just about every woman in some way. There are so many ways to be abused and hurt. Fat is a safe buffer in so many ways. I am so sorry you went through that abuse as a child. How unfair and horrible. I am so glad you have learned to love yourself and move past all that.
Daniejim! OMG! you must have been sooo scared. I feel so angry that there are so many men out there who are so evil and twisted to treat women with such disrespect and violence.
I am also scared of being thin... for my own reasons... rather not go into all that ickyness... so long ago but I can totally relate. Really like the Avenue store... wearing the smallest size there now so feel a sense of loss that next shopping trip will have to be in regular store... feel safe there will other large women.... and good that I wear the smallest size there. I don't feel judged there... also hate tops that are cut short...not fully covering belly. Think I'll keep wearing these size 14's for a long time with a belt.
A gross guy kept staring at me today at a resturant... creeped me out. Thought went through my head that will have to start dealing with that more now. I hate that. HATE IT! ugh! I do like not being bothered by men and feel much safer walking out on the street a large woman vs a tiny woman.... good you brought this up.... have to start looking at this monster in the eye. Maybe I'll start carrying a gun. lol. I do carry pepper spray. seriouslyl. But I'm also afraid of dogs. not that there is much difference.
liz

[GaynorA]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Hey there HopeJoy - thanks for sharing your story with us. My love ... see if you can find a way to positively reframe it in your head. So .. if someone looks at you and finds you attractive ... reinforce the message to yourself: "I am an adult. You can look ... BUT ... you can't touch unless I give you permission to do that." If someone tries anything without your permission - be straight. "I have gone through abuse before, and if you try that without my permission, I WILL call the police". So many of us have been victims - but we DON'T have to stay victims. It's time to turn the tables really. By being straight and not allowing people to put us down, bully us, abuse us etc... we take the power back. Now .. I know sometimes you just don't know till you are in the situation. But I think all of us get some pretty well developed instincts. If someone makes you uncomfortable in an abusive way ---- remove them from your world. Disconnect - if necessary get the law involved. But keep yourself safe in a proactive adult way.
One other thing I wanted to say: it's not just a man thing. Lord knows, there are women abused by women, men abused by women, men abused by men, and women abused by men. There are creeps in both genders. Most abusers are just plain cowards really. They get away with it because we get so intimidated and so victimised that we fall into helplessness. The truly great thing is that we don't have to be helpless. We deserve to live in this world just like everyone else. My love, if you want to wear a crop top ... you should be able to do that without some guy or girl thinking that makes you fair game. If you want to shop somewhere that caters for smaller sizes, you do that. And if you hear any comments, look 'em straight in the eye and say something like: "Yes ... I know I am at the top of the size range now .. but I'm losing weight and I am so proud of myself. ISN'T THAT GREAT??? One of these days I'm going to be at the lower end of the range, and I CAN'T WAIT!" Walk with confidence, talk with confidence. Abusers carry on being bullies because we feel so embarassed that we don't speak up. We pretend we don't hear and cringe inside. I'm finding that if I address it - not in a nasty way - but in an assertive way, they are the ones who cringe and get embarrased, because they have been caught in the act. I always tend to try and be complementary when I overhear a comment about me - but make sure that the person knows I have overheard them and that their comments do not have the power to hurt me anymore. I'll give you an example: I am disabled and on bad pain days I walk very lopsidedly. I've sometimes overheard nasty comments. I've gone up to the person with a big grin on my face and I say: "Hi there --- I heard what you said. You are right ... I'm walking really badly today. But, you know what, 10 years ago I was told I would never walk again. And I'm SO glad I can, even if it's a bit wonky. You are so lucky to have legs that work. Wanna swap? Have a great day. Celebrate the fact that you can walk." Then I flash another big grin, and saunter lopsidedly on my way. It's GREAT. Leaves people completely gobsmacked. Try it .. it works. But .. be NICE ... else you invite more abuse. Lotsa luv to all.

[guekjian]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Man you just wanna make me cry. Hi Gaynor, I have been thinking a lot about this since my original thread. It sounds like so many of us are doing great...but you know, everytime my bf touches me, I wonder if it is because he is feeling my "fat rolls" and I wonder when he is going to tell me that I am not "good enough" for him...just like my ex did...and I know in my heart this will not happen, but it is more than I can take...more than I can ignore...and I am working on it so hard because it is holding me back in so many ways in my life...to all of you who have made it...congratulations...and I can't wait to be there too...

[hopejoy]

Re: The fear factor: abuse and weight loss

Wow Gaynor, that was an awesome post... hadn't thought about it that way... although when I sat down I sat in the chair that would have my back to him because I didn't want to have to see him staring at me... awkward. You brought up so many points. So glad you have overcome so much and have such an amazing additude. It's true, there are so many ways to bully/ be bullied... girls can be worse sometimes than men... words are so powerful.
liz