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My Big Fat Meltdown
hi friends. maybe this is more of a journal entry. not sure but...here goes. i am FIGHTING this weight. it is a BATTLE. those of you who know me know i hit my goal of 150 last summer. i felt so good. since christmas, i have truly been struggling with the weight....NOT THE WOE!
i read about low carb issues constantly. i seek advice when i have questions. this has truly become a STUDY of my own body and the way it works for me. it is a real science i think and i try and try to learn and change and adjust and stay commited to what i think, in my own head and heart, is the best lifestyle for me.
today.....i am up 10 pounds. there, i said it. i have REinducted with NO SUCCESS. i had a total meltdown 2 minutes before leaving for work...poor ernie. i cried all the way to work. all the way, every one of the 16 miles in to work. i feel like a phoney and a failure. i advocate this lifestyle and cheer on members who are struggling. i feel like the atkins poster girl in terms of speaking the gospel of atkins....but i am not getting the results in terms of pounds.
i have done it all...followed every suggesttion offered to me here on the board....fewer calories, more calories, added weight training, upped the cardio, drink water til i am dying, added coconut oil, adjusted my supplements....i can't name them all. but suffice it to say, i just can not think of anything else to do. i can't even MAINTAIN....and NOW i need to lose 20, not 10 pounds. i am going in the wrong direction.
i still wear a size 6/8 on the bottom. but i have added inches. i do not feel good in my own skin. i feel miserable. that is why i have really upped my act since christmas and i am getting no where.
ernie does not know the fat me. he never did. he does not understand the FEAR of being that person again, no matter how i try to explain it. it is a real feeling of PANIC. no one does unless you've been there. i feel like i have NO control over what is happening to my body. my doctor, who is generally right on the spot, likes to just tell me it is the "age". i just can't buy that. so then, what IS it?
i see friends here dropping pounds on induction. i see friends here seeing results doing the same things i am. please understand that i celebrate those achievements!!! but why are the same things that USED to work for me NOT working for me. i simply feel today that this is out of my control....
i am eating and have been eating ON SPOT.....somedays i do not get in enough calories. it is the job and frankly, while not an excuse, just the way it is. some days on occassion i have too much legal stuff. i exercise 6 days a week...no excuses about that. i drink so much water which is a real issue for me with my medical problem but i do it because i am supposed to. much of my free time is devoted to reading about health issues, low carbing, etc. i hate this feeling of desperation.
maybe getting old just sucks. i just refuse to believe that i have to feel like this because i am getting older. it is depressing enough to live with the wrinkles and spots and sags....now added weight that refuses to move.
my pain is that i really do not think there is much more i can add to my "program" or my day....i just do not know what else to do differently, to change, to add, to delete....i have started keeping a journal and it is model atkins....i am NOT playing games with myself. that desperation caused a huge meltdown for me today.
i'm not writing for sympathy. i have already shared menus, workout ideas, etc and received feedback. other than being low in calories on some days, i am following this to the letter. i know there are members who are older than me who see great success and maintenance with this. so is it really age? again, i just can't believe that. and i cant believe that someone with better than average intelligence can't figure this out.
so thanks for letting me rant. i look like **** today after crying for 20 minutes. my husband probably thinks his wife is a lunatic. poor guy. altho, he deserves a swift kick in the arse since he told me the other day, when i said having babies left me with a less than perfect tummy, that his ex had 4 kids and she is a toothpick. that did not earn him brownie points.
if i could put my finger on it, i'd say i am terrified of the lack of CONTROL. i have NO CONTROL right now. at least that is the way i feel. thanks again for giving me a safe place to have a meltdown. this energizer bunny is running out of steam.
i read about low carb issues constantly. i seek advice when i have questions. this has truly become a STUDY of my own body and the way it works for me. it is a real science i think and i try and try to learn and change and adjust and stay commited to what i think, in my own head and heart, is the best lifestyle for me.
today.....i am up 10 pounds. there, i said it. i have REinducted with NO SUCCESS. i had a total meltdown 2 minutes before leaving for work...poor ernie. i cried all the way to work. all the way, every one of the 16 miles in to work. i feel like a phoney and a failure. i advocate this lifestyle and cheer on members who are struggling. i feel like the atkins poster girl in terms of speaking the gospel of atkins....but i am not getting the results in terms of pounds.
i have done it all...followed every suggesttion offered to me here on the board....fewer calories, more calories, added weight training, upped the cardio, drink water til i am dying, added coconut oil, adjusted my supplements....i can't name them all. but suffice it to say, i just can not think of anything else to do. i can't even MAINTAIN....and NOW i need to lose 20, not 10 pounds. i am going in the wrong direction.
i still wear a size 6/8 on the bottom. but i have added inches. i do not feel good in my own skin. i feel miserable. that is why i have really upped my act since christmas and i am getting no where.
ernie does not know the fat me. he never did. he does not understand the FEAR of being that person again, no matter how i try to explain it. it is a real feeling of PANIC. no one does unless you've been there. i feel like i have NO control over what is happening to my body. my doctor, who is generally right on the spot, likes to just tell me it is the "age". i just can't buy that. so then, what IS it?
i see friends here dropping pounds on induction. i see friends here seeing results doing the same things i am. please understand that i celebrate those achievements!!! but why are the same things that USED to work for me NOT working for me. i simply feel today that this is out of my control....
i am eating and have been eating ON SPOT.....somedays i do not get in enough calories. it is the job and frankly, while not an excuse, just the way it is. some days on occassion i have too much legal stuff. i exercise 6 days a week...no excuses about that. i drink so much water which is a real issue for me with my medical problem but i do it because i am supposed to. much of my free time is devoted to reading about health issues, low carbing, etc. i hate this feeling of desperation.
maybe getting old just sucks. i just refuse to believe that i have to feel like this because i am getting older. it is depressing enough to live with the wrinkles and spots and sags....now added weight that refuses to move.
my pain is that i really do not think there is much more i can add to my "program" or my day....i just do not know what else to do differently, to change, to add, to delete....i have started keeping a journal and it is model atkins....i am NOT playing games with myself. that desperation caused a huge meltdown for me today.
i'm not writing for sympathy. i have already shared menus, workout ideas, etc and received feedback. other than being low in calories on some days, i am following this to the letter. i know there are members who are older than me who see great success and maintenance with this. so is it really age? again, i just can't believe that. and i cant believe that someone with better than average intelligence can't figure this out.
so thanks for letting me rant. i look like **** today after crying for 20 minutes. my husband probably thinks his wife is a lunatic. poor guy. altho, he deserves a swift kick in the arse since he told me the other day, when i said having babies left me with a less than perfect tummy, that his ex had 4 kids and she is a toothpick. that did not earn him brownie points.
if i could put my finger on it, i'd say i am terrified of the lack of CONTROL. i have NO CONTROL right now. at least that is the way i feel. thanks again for giving me a safe place to have a meltdown. this energizer bunny is running out of steam.
316/301.5/140 POUNDS 
Now who in the world would put sugar in vitamins?
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