Reasons to be married...

[IceQueenJ]

My boyfriend recently told me (despite the promise ring on my finger) that he no longer wants to get married ever. despite the fact that when he gave me my promise ring he told me that it was a temporary thing that would be replaced with a bigger and better one in the form of an engagement ring one day. He claims that there's no point to marriage. that there's no need for it. that everyone that gets married gets divorced. That people only get married to just "get married". that he doesn't want to do what everyone else does...

I have always wanted to get married, he knew this, he knows this still. We use to talk about it... I don't know where this change of heart of his came from.

anyway... i'm trying to think of arguments to be married. I gave him like a million, but he just keeps saying that we don't have to be married just to show everyone that we love each other, that we have nothing to prove. etc, etc...

I can see what he's saying, but I still want to be married one day!!!!!!

[wannabethintoo]

Re: Reasons to be married...

My boyfriend recently told me (despite the promise ring on my finger) that he no longer wants to get married ever. despite the fact that when he gave me my promise ring he told me that it was a temporary thing that would be replaced with a bigger and better one in the form of an engagement ring one day. He claims that there's no point to marriage. that there's no need for it. that everyone that gets married gets divorced. That people only get married to just "get married". that he doesn't want to do what everyone else does...

I have always wanted to get married, he knew this, he knows this still. We use to talk about it... I don't know where this change of heart of his came from.

anyway... i'm trying to think of arguments to be married. I gave him like a million, but he just keeps saying that we don't have to be married just to show everyone that we love each other, that we have nothing to prove. etc, etc...

I can see what he's saying, but I still want to be married one day!!!!!!

You can use the argument (if you plan on having children) that it's much easier on the children if you're married.....kids can be so cruel to each other.

[Twisti]

Re: Reasons to be married...

You can use the argument (if you plan on having children) that it's much easier on the children if you're married.....kids can be so cruel to each other.

I agree with that...and there ARE a million wonderful reasons to get married...Im hoping you can make him see things your way....hugs to you...

[yemenitegreen]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Jenn,

you must be really sad right now {{{{{{{{Jenn}}}}}}}}

I never wanted to marry. 't was just like you quote your boyfriend - you don't need to be married to show the world you love each other and care for each other. Actually, if you stay together without being married you do it because you want to, not because you *have* to... or so I thought.

Then I changed my mind and I proposed to *him* - my high school love, 10 years after we met. And 7 years later I am divorced and my life is a mess...

If someone does not want to marry, there's no way to make him or her do so. To me it sounds like people your SO cares for have divorced. But I think you should try and find out what changed his mind. Still, for me the only reason to marry would be (besides of financial / tax stuff which is a poor reason) that two people want it right from their hearts and know that this is want they want for the rest of their lives. Nothing, no reasoning whatsoever, can make someone take that decision who doen't feel it is what he or she should do. And if he cannot do it from the depth of is heart marriage is probably not meant for the two of you. To keep up a marriage you'll need a dedicated partner...

(Oh, and I would marry again, if Mr. Right came along, wanting to make it work. But I wouldn't survive another marriage going down the drain. Not at all.).

feeling for you

yemenitegreen

[IceQueenJ]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Thanks everyone.

Marriage was never high on my list of things that I wanted RIGHT NOW or anything.

I've always said that I wanted to buy a house first, and then get married and then baby...

a logical, economic thing, in my view!! lol.

and he always agreed with me. Until very very recently. it's just so strange. I actually used the kid thing on him. I dunno.

I would never force him to marry me or give him an ultimatum or anything, because what the heck would be the point, right?

I guess it was just a shock to hear. it seemed to come out of nowhere.

I guess, in my view, it sounds a lot better to say "my husband", then "my boyfriend" to people... when you say "My boyfriend" to people, the don't seem to think of you as a forever item?(i can't put words to exactly what I mean).

anyway...

thank you for listening, and thank you for your advice!!!

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: Reasons to be married...

What's wrong with "boyfriend" or "soul mate" or "significant other"? -- I'm 44 and still have a boyfriend, if somebody doesn't like the way that sounds then to heck with them!

[Lisa M]

Re: Reasons to be married...

((Jenn))

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I just feel so bad for ya. Being in relationships, especially long term or even committed ones, are hard.

I'd seriously talk with him and ask him where he see's this relationship going one more time...or until you've exhausted his reasoning or given you the real reason why he's saying no to marriage. Search your own feelings and ask yourself if he's the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, with or without children. Maybe, okay, just maybe there's someone else waiting for you...or your BF now has cold feet from something recently.

Instead of BF or SO...how about "My Love"? That should keep them guessing

[texwife&mom]

Re: Reasons to be married...

My husband and I have been with each other for 8 1/2 years, we have been "married" for 5 1/2. Please don't anyone throw anything, but too many times the wedding is for everyone else. Even tho I am married, I didn't need the big party, piece of paper or vows to know that I was commited to my man for life or he to me. I think less people should get married, because to me(me, not saying for you, for me) it is FOREVER!!!(my dad raised me on his own and was married 5 X by the time I was 14, I will not go thur another divorce) At least he is being honest about how he feels instead of putting that engagement ring on your finger, then a wedding ring, then feeling "trapped" or whatever and leaving.

Talk to him ask him why he feels the way he does. If his reasons have nothing to do with his love for you, let it go. Who knows he may change his mind again in the future. Good Luck!!

[texwife&mom]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Oh, and to answer your original question (and really get MOG riled up.)

Tax Break!!

[BikerGoddess]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I'd say you need to take some time by yourself, get to know yourself and give him a chance to miss you. He might realize that he really does want to be with you. And if he doesn't, that frees you up to look for someone who does. If you *really* want to get married, don't hang around with a guy who won't give it to you.

Laura

[IceQueenJ]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Well, I know that he wants to be with me.

we've lived together for the past 2 1/2 years.

I am going to talk to him about it again though.

[Brook]

Re: Reasons to be married...

I can think of all sorts of really great reasons to be married, but the most powerful one is more in the form of something that happened to my husband & myself before we were married.

He had a MAJOR medical issue that landed him in the emergency room and having emergency surgery. At the time, we weren't married but had been living together for about 2 years and I was 8 months pregnant with our first child.

When they hauled him into emergency surgery, dh's mom and sister were there with me. When the doctors came in to take a medical history - they asked to speak to his nearest relative - and his mom stepped up. When he was in surgery, they called out to let "the family" know how he was doing and ask them questions like "we'd like to remove his appendix while we're in here - do we have your permission?" - and it wasn't ME they were talking to, it was his mother and his sister. When he came out of surgery, THEY were the ones that were told what room he was in and THEY were the ones who talked to the doctors. When they had questions about what he ate, drank, did, etc etc - THEY were the first people that were asked - and *I* was the one who knew everything. Not them. Me. But you see, I wasn't his wife and therefore had no rights whatsoever. None. Even standing there 8 months pregnant with his first child, I had squat for rights. If he'd have died that day, I'd have had no legal say or authority at all to assert what I knew he'd have wanted. None. (And he's still a little torqued about the appendectomy. ROFL)

When we were assaulted 3 weeks ago by 2 men and dh had to go to the hospital, the stubborn @ss refused to sign for medical treatment/billing. I stepped up right away and said, "Well, he's got a head injury, obviously isn't making great decisions and I'm his wife. Where do I sign to consent?" They handed me the paper and pen and stubborn @ss was treated. Why? Because I am his wife.

As much as we'd all love to be able to count on our family - moms/sisters/brothers/dads - to fully carry out our wishes, when the chips are down and the stress level and fear is up, they get to make the decisions unless you are given the right to do so.

Can this be done through a lawyer in the form of a living will? In some regards, yep. But that living will can not possibly take into account any and all situations before they happen. You can bet though that over the years, dh & I have talked through a lot of things that no one else could possibly know about and those stupid papers could never foresee.

It's not about proving anything to anyone else in the world, but about taking care of each other in ways that SO/SO can't, and making the kind of commitment that has to be legally undone.

There's a much bigger picture.

~Brook

[Desertthorn]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Yeah, there are millions of great reasons to get married, TO SOMEONE else. I would keep my eyes open

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: Reasons to be married...

Oh, and to answer your original question (and really get MOG riled up.)

Tax Break!!

LOL, thanks Tex. But you also become 1/2 responsible for any debt as well, sometimes its not an even trade off!

[mrslee44]

Re: Reasons to be married...

IceQueen I'm sorry you are going through this. But if you definitely want to get married at one point and he doesn't..then I really think you should move on and find another man that has the same wants and desires as you.

Believe me, I've been married for 3000 years and I think it no great picnic. And the only thing I feel like I've gotten from the marriage is years of feeling like crap because no matter what I did it was never enough. Things are finally starting to change, but it may be too little too late. I can tell you if I ever become divorced, I WILL NEVER RE-MARRY AGAIN.

So the reasons to get married?

Tax purposes...you get a better write off in most cases.
Health Insurance Benefits - Not always
Double Income - Not always
Love - Its really lust and learning a person - once that fades its tolerance
Having kids - one doesn't need a husband to have a baby - true its better, but even some husbands don't help at all with the kids

At any rate I guess women who are less independent do better in marriages.

Good luck in your quest.

JMHO as always
Robin
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