My 16 yr old Daughter

[2big4mysize]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Did you see myspace.com just got reported on TV for the private info kids had posted in answering their questionaire and how a child preditor could use that stuff to get the kid. They changed their survey and they kicked a quarter million underage kids off their site?

[Rockin]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

wish they would kick my daughter off, other than that there is no way to get her off of there. If I got her account closed she would just make another one. If I cut off her computer usage she would just go to a friend's and use their computer. If I ground her to the house she would just go to her friends before I got home from work. Endless cycle of her winning in the battle of mom and daughter.

[slimndown]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

There aren't any easy answers here. I don't have a teenage daughter but I have seen some of my best friends put their parents through what your daughter is putting you through. Right now, she has the power and she knows it. She knows where to get you and where it hurts the most. Counseling may be a good thing for the both of you so you two can get your relationship worked out.

[CoolBlackChick]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Just saw this and had to respond:

The others are so right when they say 'follow through'.

"Daughter, you can either do A (comply) or B (resist). A is the easy way, B is the hard way (consequences)."

Do NOT bargain with your daughter! Do not say, for example, "if you take out the garbage, you will get to stay out late". This is because she is EXPECTED to do things around the house.

And as far as your daughter blaming her behavior on the fact that you are a single mom...Oh @#$% no. Single parents (mom or dad) raise happy, healthy, and well-behaved kids everyday.

Do not buy into the stereotype that a single parent family is inherently bad. The way a child turns out is all about how much you put INTO that child, whether single or two parent home.

I applaud you for remaining single until the right person comes along. Let's face it, you are a beauty!

Also, family counseling (grandparents and dad, too) and a tour of a nearby boot camp would not hurt either.

Be Blessed...

[Brook]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

"This is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship and *I* am the Queen B."

I use this with my kids all the time.

As the others have said, she doesn't need you to be her friend. She has plenty of those. She only has TWO parents, and you don't need to be out to win popularity contests with her. She's going to throw fits and be a real pain in the butt when you lay it all down with her, but she will grow up and she will appreciate it. It's just going to take some time.

There are absolutely ways you can keep her off your home computer. Create a password that's required to even log in to windows from start up. If she doesn't have the password, she doesn't have access. It's really that simple. These things are priviledges, not rights.

My children (my son is almost 15 now) do not have accounts anywhere online that I don't have usernames and passwords for. My son was being a complete obnoxious snot on MySpace and I busted him out. I logged in under his name and poked through his email. Some would call this nosey and that's alright by me. As long as that boy is under my roof and my responsibility, the only privacy he is guaranteed under my watch is bathroom time. That said, I don't go snooping unless I feel I have reason to.......I've been wrong more often than I've been right, which is a good thing. But if my instincts are telling me I need to look, you'd better believe I'm going to look and I refuse to apologize for it. She may well go to a friend's house to use the computer, and you know what? You can't control that. You CAN, however, control whether or not she gets to go to a friend's house, and you can absolutely call the parents of said friends and tell them that she is not to have unsupervised access to a computer. She's not going to like it, but then.....she doesn't have to. It's one of the perks of being the one who possesses the stretch marks in the relationship.

Consistancy is key. If she puts a hole in the wall, call the police. Period. It's completely unacceptable behavior that has larger consequences than just pissing you off. Sometimes it takes being hit with a proverbial brick for them to get the point.

As for her having people over when you're not home, I agree with 2big. If she doesn't want a babysitter (enlist Gramma if Gramma is so concerned!), then she needs to step up and act like she doesn't need one. It's a simple program. Follow the rules and I can trust you. So long as I can't trust you, I'll ensure that *my* butt is covered by covering yours.

Threatening to go live with dad? Boy is that something I can relate to. I really, really struggled with that for about the last 2 years with my son. The bottom line is that at 16 years old, she's more than capable - and legally entitled- to make that decision. Do NOT let that girl hold that over your head as a threat. The next time she threatens it, I'd suggest looking her dead in the eye and saying, "Careful what you wish for." - And I'd consider that warning #1. She does it again, and believe me - I KNOW how hard this is and how much it hurts- pack her stuff and drop her little butt off. No more holding it over your head and she gets a life lesson about follow-through - on HER part. One of the hardest things I've ever done is pack up my son's room and drop him and his stuff off at his dads. He's been there now for almost 3 weeks and I miss him so much it's like my right arm is missing, but you know what? He's learning where home is and it's a lesson he needed desperately. She's using this threat as a tool to control you. You're the mom. Flip that on her!

I was one of the most rotten teens on the planet. In and out of treatment. In and out of juvy. In and out of court. Spent more time being suspended from school my last three years than I did sitting in the class room. I knew I could run my mom. I knew that if I threw a fit and went out of my way to make her life hellish she'd cave, and all that knowledge did was empower me to continue to be a royal pain in the ***. Take back the power that is your due.

YOU ARE MOM!! ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRR!!!!

((((Hugs))))

Kids. I'm still convinced God made children so cute because there are long periods of time where it's their best and only survival mechanism.

[CoolBlackChick]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

"This is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship and *I* am the Queen B.".....It's one of the perks of being the one who possesses the stretch marks in the relationship.....Kids. I'm still convinced God made children so cute because there are long periods of time where it's their best and only survival mechanism.

Oh MY!!! I could not have said it better!

[Lady_Hawke]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

everyone has really great advice.
I would suggest you talk to Grandma and remind her what you were like as a teen so she understands what you are going thru. even with Grandma - if she is going to take sides against you and undermine your authority - then she should be out of the picture.
When you have Grandma's full support - her babysitting is a great idea.
Punching holes in the wall - does she get an allowance? - make her pay for the supplys to fix the holes and then stand over her while she fixes it.(when my son was a little guy he wrote on my walls once - he didn't like cleaning it off )
I totally agree with Brook - give her a warning and if she tries to hold living with Dad over your head - pack her up and move her out.
It won't be easy - but you can do it. You're a strong woman and we all love you and are here for you

[Jerzaka]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I see that this is an old thread, but felt compelled to share anyway.

I too, am the "Queen Bee" in my house. No ifs, ands, or buts about it! I'm not their friend, nor do I want to be. That will hopefully (crossing my fingers) come LATER. They have lots of friends and only ONE Mother. And, what a "mother" I am. LOL

My oldest (now just about 17) gave me a hard time two summers ago. He was in the "You can't tell me what to do" phase" at the time. Anyway, after what seemed to be many fights in the "war" I was at my wits end. I told him in no uncertain terms what his punishment would be BEFORE the "crime" was committed. It didn't seem to phase him. Then came the, what we now come to know in our house, as the day, "mom lost it".

I kept telling him, I can change your life in one second. He was almost laughing. Not quite, but you know that "know it all, smirk" - like that. Anyway, I was saying over and over - Don't test me, young man - I can do it. I can change your life in a mila-second... (Not knowing what the heck I was going "to do") So, I went into his room and started packing EVERYTHING. I took it all to the attic in boxes. When I say, I took it all, I mean it. I took the bed, his curtains, the shelves on his walls, his dresser - EVERYTHING. When I got to the lightbulb (yes, I took it too) he began to cry and said, "You're serious?!"

D*mn straight I was serious and I made him stay in that room for 4 days. Now, you may (or may not) think that 4 days is that long, But, without anything to occupy his mind, that's a long time. That night, I brought him some blankets and some pillows - and brought him 3 square meals a day. I let him shower at night and use the bathroom when he needed to. It was long - that first night- before he asked to come down and "talk" to me. I refused. I was calling the shots, NOT him. I did however, give him a notebook and a pencil to journal his thoughts.

The next day, I gave him the local newspaper to read. I think it was the first time he'd actually seen it. He read it cover to cover.

The day after that, I went to the library and got him a book. "The Giver". I think he read it straight through.

It wasn't too long after that, I let him come out and join the family for a meal. He was actually nice to us during dinner. Made conversation and everything.

Little by little I gave him more freedom and he respected it. These days, when he's pushing a little too much, I simply remind him that I "have the power" and that remark pretty much stops him in his tracks.


I guess what I'm trying to say, is do whatever you HAVE to do to get through that YOU are the boss. Children will push because they can. Not only children do it, we all do it. Most people, young and old push their limits all the time. We're all just finding what we can do and what we can't. What we can say and what we can't and around who - everyone is different.

Just know we've all been there and we're rooting for you. Whatever you decide to do, know that she'll end up respecting you in the end. Maybe not now, maybe not in 5 years, but when her own child is 16, she'll look back and perhaps you give "the nod"... "You did good, Mom".

Isn't that the goal?

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Wow Dawn, you are the kind off mom/dad I had! I didn't think there were anymore like them out there!

[Jerzaka]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

You know, I'm always leary about telling that story. When I told my sister and a couple of girlfriends (mind you, they knew the trouble I was having with him) they were shocked at MY behavior.

They thought I over-reacted and should have handled myself differently. Perhaps I should have. It was so fast, I don't even remember how the h*ll I lifted all that crap up into the attic.

All I know is that it worked. And, his little brother was watching. So, I got a two-fer! LOL

[staziaw]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Totally agree with 2Big and Not2Late (and everyone else!). Take away privileges. Set up monitoring systems for the computer. You are NOT her friend. You are her mother. My mom totally took away privileges when I was bad - to the point that at one time, there was a bed, a dresser, and a clock in my room. She took everything fun away and I had to earn everything back. Quite honestly, she was dead on RIGHT!!! And get the grandparents involved!

My thoughts are with you! I hope this works out well!

Stacy

[Barbde]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Oh, man. Teenagers. I remember the "wars" with my oldest, who thought rules were for everyone else! Had a problem with him and girls in the bedroom. Now, back then the bedrooms did not have TVs or Xboxes in them. All that stuff was in the "family" room, which is where the opposite sex friends were to be entertained. I caught him in his room in the middle of the night one night, with the girlfriend from ****! OMG. This girl had absolutely no respect either. Anyway, next morning, I took his door off and put it in the attic. My husband came out of our room and saw me carrying the door and was like WTH? (He, of course, always managed to sleep through the middle of the night dramas that always went on). So anyway, door in the attic, hurricane shutters on the windows. Yup, caught girls coming through the windo, too. He was NOT a happy camper. Neither was his little brother. But, you are right about a two-fer. Never had that problem with the younger boy or my daughter. They knew Mom was a maniac when pushed. And they wanted to KEEP their bedroom doors!

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

LOL, I love it Barb--the door thing that is!

Man o man, if we had gotten caught with a memeber of the opposite sex in our room growing up, lets just say I wouldn't be here chatting with you guys today! I was literally afraid of my father and wouldn't have considered doing anything against the rules "in his house"

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

You know, I'm always leary about telling that story. When I told my sister and a couple of girlfriends (mind you, they knew the trouble I was having with him) they were shocked at MY behavior.

They thought I over-reacted and should have handled myself differently. Perhaps I should have. It was so fast, I don't even remember how the h*ll I lifted all that crap up into the attic.

All I know is that it worked. And, his little brother was watching. So, I got a two-fer! LOL

That's the problem today! Most kids are coddled - my parents weren't afraid of what anybody else thought about how they were raising us! You shouldn't be either, sometimes some kids need extreme measures to get the message thru their thick skulls! Looks like yours worked, and no body got hurt so what's the problem I wonder?

[Jerzaka]

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

That's the problem today! Most kids are coddled - my parents weren't afraid of what anybody else thought about how they were raising us! You shouldn't be either, sometimes some kids need extreme measures to get the message thru their thick skulls! Looks like yours worked, and no body got hurt so what's the problem I wonder?

You're right. I know you're right. While I'll never tell them (the kids) how much I worry about being too hard on them, I thought by talking to my family and friends I'd get a little support. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The only foreseeable problem now is how my son will remember that event when he repeats it ('cause you know he will) to his kids!!

I honestly, can't wait! Is that bad?