Advice, please.

[stephbob]

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years, and recently got engaged (back in June) However, after a week of differences, he's decided that he wants to take a different path in life, and wants a clean start - without me.

I'm devastated, as you can probably guess. I was going back to Florida on Saturday, but now, I'm clearly not. I'm going to stay in the UK indefinitely now.

My question is a lot of people gave us money as an engagement gift in June/early July, ranging from $20 to $1000 from each of them. I didn't get back from Florida very long ago, so with everything else that's been going on, I havent managed to get Thank You cards/notes out to everyone yet.

I can hardly write thank you cards from us now that we're no longer together, so should I give the money back to the people who gave it to us? It was 3-4 months ago now, but I've got so much going on in my head right now, I can't think straight.

[ladyinred]

Re: Advice, please.

Oh Steph, I'm so sorry. Yes, I do believe you have to return the gifts. They were given so that you two could start on your happy life together. Since you aren't, you should return them. You could send a note that says "Thank you very much for your thoughtful gift, however, we have decided...." It's sad. But you are a sweetheart so I know there is someone absolutely wonderful waiting for you somewhere down the road.

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

My mum keeps telling me that time will heal it all, but we planned a life together. We were planning a wedding, I was moving to Orlando permanently, and now this. There was no real reason either. He just felt I couldn't deal with him being in a band, which isn't true. And now with him in college too, he just thinks that he needs to "radically change his life and start again".

I'm not handling it too well at all. I haven't eaten since Thursday - and when I say haven't eaten, I mean not even a morsal of food. My mum took me to a cafe on Sunday and tried to force feed me a forkful of cake she'd bought for herself, and I was just sick. I've lost 11lbs since Thursday from it, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't eat. I try, and I'm just sick. I can't even swallow it.

I'm a strong believer in everything happening for a reason. But I waited until I was 18 before I even started dating because I needed to make sure I wasn't just in for a short relationship, I found him 5000 miles away, and now this. I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else. My life was planned out to include him.

*sighs* How do you suppose I go about returning the money? I'm going to have to ask people how much they gave me because there's no way I'll remember how much they gave me 4 months ago...it was just bundled together and banked.

[ladyinred]

Re: Advice, please.

Unfortunately you will probably have to just ask them. Can you get your ex to help you? Maybe he can do the asking (since he's the one who's called it off) and you can do the notes? I know how devastated you must feel and lost as well. But your mum is right, time will heal the wounds. You are only 21. Is he your first serious relationship? Very few people spend the rest of their lives with their first love (although I personally know people who have, but there aren't a lot of them). It sounds to me like he just wasn't ready. You were planning to go through the journey with him, and he wants to have a journey on his own right now. But everyone goes through this and one day you will be fine (really). In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself. You must eat. And keep up with your exercising - it will help you deal with the stress.

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

Thank you (I thought I'd cried every tear in my body, but apparently not lol)

He's never met any of my family because he's never come to the UK. It's always been me over there, so it's pointless asking him. Maybe my mum will be willing to ask people for me, they were mostly her family and friends. She can then explain to them what's happened.

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

Yes, he's my first and only relationship. It's just funny that he's the one that's called it off, because he's always been the one fighting for us to stay strong, he pestered me for months after I first met him, asking me to go out with him! And he proposed to me without me even hinting. It was all his idea. So for him to suddenly turn around and say this is just shocking more than anything.

[ladyinred]

Re: Advice, please.

Sending a big, big, huge cyber hug to you. I'm glad your mum is there to help you through this. Well, we are too, but she's closer.

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

I appreciate it very much *hugs back* I'm very close to my mum, and although most of the time she's not much help, lol, she's been great. She's in work today, but she's been calling me to check I'm ok, and I know she'll help get me back on my feet. I don't know what I'd do without her

She's livid at him though. One for breaking my heart, second for doing it now, just when I've lost my job, when I'm having absolutely no luck with new jobs, and third when he knows my cousin, who I'm very close to, is dying in hospital with cancer.

When we spoke yesterday, he just wasn't himself, and I don't know why. I've known him for 3 years, and he's never acted like that so I really just dont know what's up with him.

[Lady_Hawke]

Re: Advice, please.

I'm so sorry for the emotional rollercoaster you're riding on right now. LIR and your Mom are right - time will heal all.
You said he's the one who chased you - and now this - honey, he's also the one who's going to be looking back over his life and kicking himself in the a s s for letting such a wonderful, special woman like you go.
You'll move on with your life and meet someone who will treat you like a queen. You are an awesome woman.
LIR is right, and I know its hard - but try to eat and keep with your exercise. It will help you in the long run to release the emotions from your body.
You aren't alone - we love you and are here for you

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

Thank you for your advice, both of you You couldn't imagine how much I appreciate it!

[MotherOfGizmo]

Re: Advice, please.

So sorry Steph. I don't have any advice except as one who's had my heart broken more than once I can tell you only time will heal a broken heart!

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

Ah, i'm sure it will. I talked to him on the phone for 40 minutes this afternoon. He explained his feelings and why he decided what he did. I had a little sob, but I feel I got some closure. I'm still upset, to a certain degree, but he'll always be a special person, and hold a special place in my heart.

[speedygt03]

Re: Advice, please.

Steph -
I'm so sorry to hear about whats going on right now. I know that I would be a wreck, you have a right to be. You just have to stay strong and know that there is someone out there who you are meant to be with...and its mostly when your not looking when they come into your life.

But you gotta eat! This is just another curve ball that life is throwing at ya...you can take it. Your a great person and will come out stronger in the end.

And sorry to hear about your cousin also. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

*Krystle

[Jacksuncle]

Re: Advice, please.

I hate break ups, so sorry.
I am praying for you.

[stephbob]

Re: Advice, please.

Thanks everyone!

I seriously can't eat though. My mum tried to force feed me a fork of cake, and I threw up not nice lol.