hiding binges

[softnred]

In my case, food was always there for me. Growing up, my dad was abusive, my mom didn't protect me from my dad, and at school I was teased endlessly. Food was the only thing that I could count on, and it made me feel better. As a teenager, I worked at the local McDonalds. I'd have dinner there during my shift, but then I'd take a meal or two home (under the guise that it was for a family member), then I'd sit in my room and eat it. Remember all those school fund-raisers? I'd spend all my money on the food items, then hide them in my room and eat them all.

As a grownup, I finally realized that *I* was always going to be there for me, and my self-esteem improved. However, unbeknowst to me, I was only partially fixed. I never made the emotional eating connection, and I adopted the "I'm not going to deprive myself...I'm going to eat what I damn well want" mindset. I was still binging, though, and turning to food when I was lonely or sad or upset or happy. Like some of you, I'd eat a normal dinner around other people, then stop by the drive-thru on the way home. I was also a grazer...I'd nibble and snack all day long.

Now that I'm on Atkins, I still struggle with it. I'm happy that I'm strong around sugar and other non-acceptable food items, and don't fall to their pleasures. However, there are lots of times that I want to graze on acceptable items...and I give in to the urge entirely too much. While it's better than it used to be, it's something I'll always be dealing with.

On a lighter note, in the past few weeks, when I've been tempted to graze or snack, I can hear 2Big saying "Are you feeding your hunger or your eyeballs??" She has more of an effect on us than she realizes!!!

JoAnne

[Uniquely_Ambi]

These posts really make me want to cry. I want to cry because I'm glad I'm not the only one and because I hate myself for doing the same thing.

Yes, I too am a binge-eater. Not so much since Atkins (though not perfect either). I used to eat and eat and eat. Always in secret. Always hating myself while I did it. I look at pictures of me before I lost this weight and I hate what I see. I'm so utterly disgusted with myself. I make myself sick with this behavior.

I feel like I have no control and no way to stop it. Why is food on my mind 24/7? Why is what I eat, when, how, so important to me? I hate myself for it. I really do.

It's gotten much better and something about Atkins helps me have more control, but I don't really. It takes very little for me to lose it. I'm so scared I'll gain this all back. I just feel sick in the head when it comes to food.

[CoSteve]

I think it's a safe bet that all of us centurions have a problem with binging. In my case ... I could never have too much of a good thing. A dozen donuts, a box of pastries, a whole tube of Oreos -- I enjoyed every bite and I never got sick from eating too much (though a half dozen Krispy Kremes did once give me the shakes and pretty much permanently destroyed any cravings for them). And traveling for business and spending evenings in hotel rooms with convenience stores right outside didn't help either.

Since I've never been able to totally shut off my desire to binge, I've brought it under control by doing it on my terms and on my schedule, not just because the opportunity arises.

And because I've been doing so well on Atkins the last year, and learning that I really CAN control what I eat, these occasional binges are becoming much less ridiculous, and more and more are being composed of relatively healthy things like potatos, pasta and bread instead of a tube of sugar laden oreos or fig newtons.

With going on a year and a half of weight loss behing me, and only about 20 lbs left to goal, I think my plan is working.

Now if I can just tone those binge meals down a bit more ... but I continue to learn what I am capable of.

[JoanOH]

On a lighter note, in the past few weeks, when I've been tempted to graze or snack, I can hear 2Big saying "Are you feeding your hunger or your eyeballs??" She has more of an effect on us than she realizes!!!

You know, I have to add that 2Big has directly affected me recently as well. She kept saying "Eat only if you're hungry, no matter how many carbs, calories, etc. you've had that day." For some reason a few weeks ago it sunk in. I was eating because it was breakfast time or lunch time or dinner time -- not because I was hungry! I was eating out of habit. I've really been working on this -- and it's thanks to 2Big's persistence.

Joan J

[CoSteve]

I feel like I have no control and no way to stop it. Why is food on my mind 24/7? Why is what I eat, when, how, so important to me? I hate myself for it. I really do.

Feeling like this is kind of the definition of an eating disorder. But I'll bet most of us (me too) have or currently feel the same way -- it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Everytime I've gone on a diet in the past I've felt like I was trying to control an untamed horse -- if I lost my grip for just a moment it would buck me off and run off into the wilderness. And of course I would eventually lose control, and then just give in entirely.

After a long time on concentrating on gaining control, figuring out my weaknesses and strengths, etc. -- I feel as though I've finally tamed that horse so that now it's just high spirited -- not wild. I still binge on occasion, but on my terms and for my enjoyment, not because I'm trying to fill an "emptiness" inside or just because it's available.

I also use a lot of visualization.

I think on my old health problems (being overweight) and then compare them with someone with real health problems -- like a kid in a wheel chair. What do I have compared with him? If he has the courage to face every day in a chair, shouldn't I have the courage to face food everyday and not EAT myself into a wheelchair? How will I feel when I'm 65 and have to wheel myself around on one of those electric scooters with an oxygen bottle just because I kept on eating donuts and oreos.

And then I think about how little respect I have for someone who's obviously sloppy drunk ordering another drink. Should "sloppy fat" people be ordering more desert? I don't hate fat people or myself anymore than I hate an alcoholic, but we have the same need to take control of our lives. I respect an alcholic who's dealing with his addiction day by day by abstaining. I respect a fat person who deals with their problem by taking action to fix their body and their life. I have no respect for someone who's letting a negative aspect of their life run out of control and ruin themselves (and yeah -- that used to be me).

So ... take control ... quit hating yourself ... and become the person you want to be.

It really is that simple of an equation. It's just hard to see it at the beginning of the journey.

But the journey really is doable. Take it from someone who is nearly at the end of the tunnel.

[Lady_Hawke]

I used to have an eating partner when I lived in the states. We would eat dinner with our families. Then around 8 pm or later we'd go out to the diner and eat another dinner, or go for chinese food or whatever appealed to us at the time.
We always enjoyed ourselves, talking and eating, eating and talking. Then we'd drive around and realize it was late and needed to stop someplace else for dessert and of course coffee and cocoa!! We did that for YEARS!
Since we were in our teens (wow never thought about that before!).
Also for me when everyone else went to bed at night - that was my signal to break out the goodies!!!
I am an emotional eater too. I've been filling a whole within since I was in 4th grade (around the time my parents divorced).
Good post Pammie....making us all think! :hug

[Deflating Diva]

Ok Steve:[quote]And because I've been doing so well on Atkins the last year, and learning that I really CAN control what I eat, these occasional binges are becoming much less ridiculous, and more and more are being composed of relatively healthy things like potatos, pasta and bread instead of a tube of sugar laden oreos or fig newtons.

All newbies please omit these statements from your brain. Steve is a wonderful guy who has been around the block a few times. Hmm who just confessed to binge eating ensive . Potatoes, pasta and bread spike glycemic sugars in your body and will kick you out of ketosis. You will start to crave sugar! Remember ladies guys lose faster than women. Steve has learned to cheat and get away with it, we are human he is Stewie...nuf said! LOL
Deflating Diva

[loonatika]

I didn't even realize I was a binge eater until I read your post Pammie. I just thought I liked my junk food a bit too much.

Pre-Atkins, I had a 'friend' instead of a 'family' that I bought all my junk food for. Also went to different places at night so no one would think I was buying junk food every day.

Every day consisted of getting through as much junk food as I could - however it was usually at nights watching TV when I really let loose. I'd eat chocolate, ice cream, crisps, cookies and whatever else I had around. I'd figure if I wasn't full, I could eat more and I did.

I think breaking that habit has been the best thing I've done in a long time. I'm careful about my eating at nights now, I still eat something if I'm hungry - but I certainly know the difference now about eating until I'm satisfied, instead of eating until I'm bursting full.

[IrishIrish]

Oh Pam!!

What a great post! And yes ... I think many of us have been there.

Shortly after I started this plan I bought these great low carb cookies. I ate a whole bag in one sitting and almost discovered what malitol was. And I didn't like the feeling one bit.

Before I started Atkins, I ate when I was happy, depressed, busy, at work, at home. I used to bring a big bag of bagels and pastries to work and I'd sneak a few in a separate bag and keep them in my desk. When someone was getting one for themselves, they would stop by and ask me if I wanted any ... and I'd always say no thanks.

I did the same as you with the "family". I used to order food in before I was married or after I was married when my DH was away. Who was I kidding? The doorbell would ring and I'd waddle down the hall after answering it and say to an empty room with the TV volume very loud ... the pizza is here ... and I'd waddle back with the tip, like my invisible husband (that would be IH) gave me the tip!

I'd have a full McD meal for a snack to hold me over until dinner.

My husband gained 50 pounds in four years from the time he met me to trying to diet. He was miserable and didn't really understand what hit him.

In 2003, our pattern was eating out nearly every breakfast on the way to work .... eating lunch at work ... going to dinner after work and starting the meal with an appetizer, often a drink, a full dinner and usually we split a dessert! Who on earth did I think I was kidding?

And even now ... I know I'll still do that. I am careful preparing food because I can overeat anything on my plate if I don't take safeguards.

And I see it again this week. My DH left on Saturday with indefinite plans for return. His Dad is ill. I'm alone for the first time in a long time. And sometimes in the evenings, I look into the cupboard and look longingly at the contents wondering what I could make with the ingredients on hand! More than once this week, I feel like I'm white knuckling this WOL. And I keep posting ... it reminds me that I have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

From the time I was a little girl and would go into my family's business and fill a bag with penny candy to sneak home, I was an emotional eater. And today, when I let a friend know that I wouldn't be joining him for lunch because of the snow, but mostly because I can't deal with the temptation today, I am again reminded that I am an emotional eater.

I often say to newbies who ask about cheating ... and I say it out loud to remind myself some days. I know I have lots of cheats left, but I may only have one recovery. And I can't take the chance that this would be the end of my journey to good health.

I needed this post, Pam ... more than you know!!!

:hug Jo

[CoSteve]

Ok Steve:

And because I've been doing so well on Atkins the last year, and learning that I really CAN control what I eat, these occasional binges are becoming much less ridiculous, and more and more are being composed of relatively healthy things like potatos, pasta and bread instead of a tube of sugar laden oreos or fig newtons.

All newbies please omit these statements from your brain. Steve is a wonderful guy who has been around the block a few times. Hmm who just confessed to binge eating ensive . Potatoes, pasta and bread spike glycemic sugars in your body and will kick you out of ketosis. You will start to crave sugar! Remember ladies guys lose faster than women. Steve has learned to cheat and get away with it, we are human he is Stewie...nuf said! LOL
Deflating Diva

I'm really digging this thread. There's a gold mine of information here from a lot of people who have put a lot of thought in to it and written very eloquently. Thanks all!

In terms of my heretical post ...

Take a look at the posts right after the Holidays. Post after post where someone (quite often a board leader) admits to falling off the wagon, gaining back weight, binging, etc. They always have a share of self loathing and apologies -- clearly not only did the majority of people binge, but they felt horrible about it later.

For me ... I planned out exactly when I would allow myself to eat whatever I wanted and then -- as per plan -- went right back on the diet the next day. As a result I binged with less stuff overall, there was no self loathing, and instead of feeling guilty I enjoyed the HECK out of it. And in the days my wife was baking cookes and making fudge I could enjoy the smell and instead of being tempted to binge I could just think to myself ... "just a couple of more days, my lovelies, and then we can be together."

My wife laughed at me, but on Christmas eve I went light on breakfast and lunch and refused to touch even one piece of her fudge until we began the evening festivities at my parents house.

The net result for myself and the people who lost control was the same; temporary loss of ketosis, setback to weight loss, etc. But they hate themselves for it and feel ashamed while I have a fond memory.

However ... if you're just starting out on the plan, take the Doctor's advice and at an absolute minimum do a perfect, clean induction -- I'd suggest for a month or more, but at least for 2 weeks. I did a clean induction for an extended period (2 or 3 months -- I don't remember) without so much as a diet soda. And while I did have to deprive myself a bit, it proved that I was in control. Whenever I feel like slipping I remember back to that period.

As for men vs. women ... I don't think the differences are all that great. As men we have more muscle and are generally more active so we can just eat more calories, but then on average (realizing this is the centurion club, and we're not average here) I think men also have bigger appetites.

In terms of cravings ... I don't think I've ever quit craving good food, but on Atkins at least I can eat a lot of good food to satisfy them. I'm sure I do get spikes and etc., but that's one reason I only binge on the evening meal and don't worry about getting back on plan until the next day; that way I can "sleep it off" and not feel the effects the next day.

YMMV when it comes to cravings. If you fear them, put off the confrontation as long as you can.

Bottom line is ... if you do Atkins faithfully for 355 days per year and binge for 10 -- any 10 -- you will eventually reach goal and you will get healthier.

The secret to weight loss -- whether you lose control and binge or binge on a planned basis -- is to ALWAYS get back on the wagon and stay on it as long as possible. The Atkins wagon runs 24 x 7, 365 days a year and you can jump back on anytime. It's a journey for life.

And eventually you'll find yourself needing to reboard. Because over the next 40 or 50 years (however many years you may have left) at some point you're going to eat something you shouldn't -- because no matter how long you've been on Atkins, donuts and cake and cookies still taste the same.

Just make sure your bings is short lived and not for the rest of your life.

DANDR has some good advice on this -- both how to avoid cheats and how to live with them.

[Desertthorn]

I don't know what to say. If you had asked me before I read this if I was a binge eater, I would have told you no way, and then I read this thread, and I do some of the same things. Ive eaten a whole watermelon in one day. I've hidden food away.
Sararh K, we would love for you to write up a "book report' for us on those books for the news letter.
Mods, if this post ever stops, could someone move it to the most memorable as thats where it belongs.
At least we have eachother to hold on to for support and that makes a big difference.

[Richt]

Mods, if this post ever stops, could someone move it to the most memorable as thats where it belongs. .

I totally agree, this is one of the best posts I have read in a while.

[Katlam]

Wow, what an amazing thread! :yikes I can relate. I recall getting bowls full of peanut butter and adding brown sugar and eating spoonfuls of it when I was a preteen and teen and having to hide them in my bedroom closet and then being ashamed when my mom would find them and confront me with the bowls.

I'd travel for work and do the same that someone said, but foods at the convenience store to consume in my room because I felt odd having dinner alone in a restaurant. I'd eat because I was lonely, I'd eat when I was feeling like I didn't fit in, I'd eat when I was bored. I started eating out of control after I turned 10 and we moved away from family and my sister had died. It escallated when I was tormented in 5th grade. It escallated again after my brother died 2 years later. I'd find a friend and things would get better, then when the friendship would end, there would be my friend "food". This went on for most of my adult life.

The tendancy is still there, but I have a new pair of crutchs, ATKINS and this ADBB. It props me up, holds me accountable and I expect that someone would check on me if I didn't post for a while. I can still find myself having too many nuts, or eating too much cheese. But then my weight loss stalls, immediate feedback. I'm still learning, still trying to get it right. I miss my water goal, and I know it. I make up for it the next day and then I'm good for longer. I am slowly heading to my goal but without this support system of both the diet and this board, I'd still be going in the other direction.

Kathy

[da Walnut]

I'd fooled myself for years - I'll eat just one of <fill in the carb laden food here>. And I would, then I'd tell myself, just one more, it won't hurt. Until I'd just one more'd myself through the bag.

Now that I'm on Atkins, I still have to watch myself, because while I won't binge on sweet stuff, I've gotten a bag of snow pea pods, and before I know it, I'll be through the whole thing. I'll put some on a plate and get a little mayo mixed with a dash of lemon juice and garlic, then go off and eat them, then go back and do it again, until the entire bag is gone, whether or not I'm really hungry. But its not just them, its radishes, spinach, romaine, alfalfa sprouts, it doesn't matter if I'm in one of those moods.

Food was always safe, because you could be happy or make people happy with food. What I didn't realize then was that it was a "quick fix" that didn't solve anything at all.

I'm still learning and growing in this WOL, and I know I will for the rest of my life. I tell people I didn't get to be this size overnight, and I won't shrink overnight either, but along the way I'll learn how to control these binges until they don't have any more control over me.

[ztachick]

WOW, as with a lot of people this post really really hit home with me.. i think i agreed with every single one of the things pammie did, i too would do those things and i would even say to a drive through person, oh sorry its taking me so long i forgot what my mom, frined, bf, etc wanted- just so i could get two kinds of icecreams or whatever. i also remember offering to go pick up pizza or tqake out or whatever so that i could stop by a store and get a candy bar or 2 or 3. i also would say at night honey i cant sleep im gonna go to the lviing room and watch tv, or im relaly th irsty so i could have an excuse to go to the kitchen and eat, eat, eat then go to bed, cuz my "headache" was better.

"funny" how we are all so different but alike in so many ways- its always nice to know ythat we are not alone- great post